i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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