She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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