I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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