I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
