I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
