sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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