Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Is Oprah even human
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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