I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
