Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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