just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
