I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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