youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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