2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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