In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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