I haven't been this sober since birth.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Ladies don't puke and tell
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
