singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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