Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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