True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
