Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
