apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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