this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
