I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
