My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
