She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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