i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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