i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
