I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
They are going to name an STD after you.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
