when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
