she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
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