ya dads aren't the best wingmen
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize