After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
