i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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