She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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