My liver just broke up with me...
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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