well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize