Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
