i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
