She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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