Screwed.edu
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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