I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Every concussion has its silver lining
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
