i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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