I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
