We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
