So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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