Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
