At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Randomize
