so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize