Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
