i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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