omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
