no, he came in my armpit
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
