Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize
