Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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