Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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