I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
