I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
