everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
