I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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