Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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