I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
