i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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