Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
