Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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