yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
